Pick A Sohma
by zigguratank
Summary: Tohru is on a game show trying to find the perfect man for her. I SWEAR THAT I DID NOT STEAL THIS STORY! pleez r&r! thanx!


Disclaimer: Okay, I can do this. deep breath I…don't…own…Fruits…Basket…or any kind of game show. Whew! That was sooooo hard! sniff sniff oh yeah, I don't own Limited 2 or Benihana's or Easter or the mall…

OMG! Stupid guidelines said that I couldn't do a script thing! Then I had to change the WHOLE story outline!

* * *

Pick a Sohma

(Tohru), "Umm…hi. I'm Tohru Honda. Pleased to me-"

(Hiro),"GET ON WITH THE SHOW ALREADY! You say that every time you introduce yourself! Geez!"

(Tohru), "oh yes, I'm sorry…"

(Kisa), "Hiro! Don't be so negative to onee-chan. She's being polite."

(Hiro), "I'm sorry Kisa."

(Tohru), "Oh! Well…announcer, can you take over?"

(Shigure), "Anything for our sweet flower Tohru! Hey folks! Welcome to Pick A Sohma where we'll find a hot Sohma guy for you! Today we have Tohru as the victim...er bachelorette! Tohru has worked extremely hard cleaning my house, studying, and working, so we decided to get Tohru a boyfriend! And this show is especially designed to help Tohru find her true love!"

(Kagura), "Hey! Has anyone seen Kyo! I can't watch this without him!"

(Shigure), "Kagura, please sit down. This is Tohru's show."

(Kagura), "Fine."

(Shigure), "Thank you. Now Hatori will explain the rules."

(Hatori), "In bored and annoyed expression) Five mysterious Shigure forces Hatori to do spirit fingers bachelors are hidden behind this curtain.Tohru will ask them questions and they will respond with something clever. At the end, Tohru will choose the contestant she liked best and he will be her new boyfriend. more lame spirit fingers"

(Ayame), "Oh Ha'ri, you could at least be a little more excited! Even though no one loves you, you can admire someone who will be loved!"

(Hatori) "Shut up Ayame."

(Tohru), "Thank you Hatori-san! I guess I should start asking questions now."

(Shigure), "(interrupting) Oh, contestants please try not to do anything that will reveal who you are!"

(Tohru), "First question: what is your favorite thing to do? Or a hobby?"

(Hiro), "OH GREAT! This is gonna take forever!"

(Kisa), "Hiro, be quiet! The show already started."

(Contestant 1), "I like martial arts."

(Tohru), "interesting…contestant 2?"

(Contestant 2), "I don't have a hobby; unless you consider torturing people and moping around half-dressed are hobbies."

(Tohru), "Please tell me more."

(Contestant 2), "WHY! SO YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF ME CUZ I'M GONNA DIE SOON? ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M BORING? HUH HUH HUH! ANSWER ME!"

(Tohru), "Oh no! I'm so sorry! Contestant 3?"

(Contestant 3), "I like going to Limited 2 or to other girls clothing stores to buy and try on pretty clothes! I also like stalking Tohru and hugging her!"

(Tohru), "oh that's nice. Contestant 4?"

(Contestant 4)," I like gardening with you Honda-san. Oh, I shouldn't have addressed you as Honda-san! You might figure out who I am!"

(Tohru), "okaaay. How about you, contestant 5?"

(Contestant 5), "I like martial arts."

(Con1), "HEY! That's what I said! You can't steal ideas!"

(Con 5), "WELL SHE ASKED ME WHAT I LIKED TO DO! I LIKE BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF PEOPLE! FOR EXAMPLE: KYO!"

(Tohru), "umm those were all cool. Next question: where would you take me on a first date?"

(Con 1), "I dunno. I guess a movie or something."

(Con 2), "Why should I take you anywhere! It's not like I'll live that long to make it through the damn date!"

(Con 3), "Ooooo! I'll take Tohru shopping and we'll get our nails done! I love Tohru!"

(Con 4), "We can go anywhere you wish Honda-san. Oh crap! I said it again! I'm so sorry Honda-san! Crap!"

(Con 5), "what contestant 1 said."

(Con 1), "Hey! Stop copying me! Think of your own ideas!'

(Con 5), "NO!"

(Tohru), "Thank you. Uhhhh what do you consider to be romantic?"

(Con 1), "going to a fancy restraunt and eating expensive food."

(Con 2), 'black roses, torture, death…"

(Con 3), "bunnies, flowers and candy for Tohru!"

(Tohru), "You mean like Easter?"

(Con 3), "I love Tohru! She always knows what I'm thinking! We are meant for each other!"

(Con 4), "(Hand in mouth. Removes hand) strolling through a garden full of blooming sakura trees….I DID IT! I DIDN'T SAY HONDA-SAN! oh crap."

(Con 5), "going to Benihana's and having the cook, cook the most expensive meal on the menu in front of you."

(Con 1), "What's with you! I already said that!"

(Con 5), "No you didn't! I said Benihana's when you said fancy restaurant!"

(Con 1), "why you little…"

(Tohru), "Those were all really romantic! Okay, if I was sick, how would you help me feel better?"

(Con 1), "I'll steal leeks and cook 'em for you."

(Con 20, "Why should I do anything for you? No ones ever gives me stuff when I'm sick! All I get are painful shots and weird check-ups from Hatori!"

(Tohru), "Uhhh but if you had to what would you give me?"

(Con 2), "I get you a bloody dagger so you can stop the pain."

(Con 3), "Candy, flowers and toys for Tohru when she's sick! I love Tohru!"

(Con 4), "I'll pick flowers from our secret base and send them to you with a Get Well balloon… (Knocks self out before saying Honda-san)"

(Con 5), "I'll cook you a meal, but I can't cook so I'll steal Kyo's leeks that he stole and give them to you saying that I made it."

(Con 1), "I'm seriously going to hurt you if you don't stop copying me! This is getting really annoying!"

(Con 5), "(ignoring con 1)"

(Tohru), "next question…"

* * *

**In the audience…**

(Ayame), "ahhhh doesn't Tohru shine under the limelight Shigure?"

(Shigure), "Yes she does! Oh and to think, she's going to walk off the sage with a boyfriend by the end of this game! (Blows nose)"

(Hatori) "Shut up you two. You sound like criminals."

(Shigure), "Trying to protect Tohru now are we?"

(Hatori), "I said shut up!"

(Kagura),"Hey, has anyone seen Kyo?"

(Ayame, Shigure,Hatori), "SHHHH!"

(Kagura), "Hmph!"

(Hiro), "yawn this is sooooo boring!"

(Kisa), "(slaps Hiro on the head) Shush!"

* * *

**Back on the stage…**

(Tohru), "okay, this is the second to last question: What would you give me for my birthday?"

(Con 1), "that kind of question is that!"

(Tohru0, "Oh! Umm…well…"

(Con 1), "don't answer that. Uhhhh…jewelry?"

(Con 2), "a 24 piece box set of sharp kitchen knives and a bottle of poisonous dishwashing detergent that works effectively and dangerously."

(Con 3), "CANDY. Because I love Tohru!"

(Con 4), "I'd take you to get whatever you'd like…Honda-san. NOOOO! I was so close to not saying Honda-san! I'm so stupid! Honda-san, if you've figured out who I am please don't pick me because you know!"

(Con 5), "I'll give you one of my punk necklaces. Don't worry, I have tons. While I'm at it, I'll throw in a bracelet and a ring too."

(Con 1), "That still counts as jewelry!"

(Con 5), "SHUT UP!"

(Tohru), "Wow, those were all so sweet…I think. Last question: how would you tell me that you loved me?"

(Con 1), "I'll tell you straight out…when you're not busy or anything…at night…during dinner…alone…on a Wednesday…"

(Con 2),"While I torture your mind with evil thoughts that will make you regret that you ever had anything to do with the Sohmas! Soon you'll feel as worthless as me!"

(Con 3), "I'll take Tohru out shopping and tell her at the food court! I LOVE TOHRU!"

(Con 4), "I'll take you out to our secret base and make a nice little speech."

(Tohru), "Oh that's so sweet!"

(Con 5), "I'll tell you whenever I feel like it…on a Wednesday…at night."

(Con 1), "(quietly steaming)"

(Ayame), "Well it looks like Tohru has finally finished her questioning! But who will she choose? Will it be hot tempered contestant 1? The dying contestant 2? The lovestruck, gender confused contestant 3? The trying-not-to-reveal-who-he-is contestant 4? Or the copycat contestant 5?"

(Tohru), "ummm this was really fun, and I appreciate you doing this for me, but I don't think I'm ready to have a boyfriend. Sorry."

(Audience), "_Gasp!"_

(Shigure), "This is truly an event! But of course, Tohru _is_ much too good for any of these guys! Let's reveal them shall we? Contestant 1: KYO!"

(Kagura), "KYO! There you are my love! Why you cheating bastard!"

(Kagura chases a screaming Kyo around the stage)

(Shigure), "Contestant 2: AKITO!"

(Audience), "booos then gasps!"

_Akito is dead in his seat. And then later they find out AKITO IS A WOMAN!_

(Shigure),"Okaay. Contestant 3: MOMIJII!"

(Momiji), "Yea Tohru! (Runs up and hugs Tohru. POOF! Turns into rabbit.)"

(Shigure), "Contestant 4:YUKI!"

(Yuki), "I'm sorry for saying Honda-san too much Honda-san."

(Tohru), "No really! I had no idea it was you!"

(Yuki),"…."

(Shigure), "and the last contestant: HATSUHARU!"

(Haru), "hey."

(Kyo), "WHADDA YA MEAN HEY! You took all my ideas!"

(Haru0), "Well I have something to confess. I think you're really romantic so I liked your ideas and stole 'em."

(Kyo),"WHAT! AHHHHHHH! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE YUKI NOT ME! I'd rather be with Kagura than you!"

(Kagura), "You really mean it Kyo darling!"

(Kyo), "Huh! What! NO! I mean yeah! Oh forget it!"

(Shigure), "Well this concludes our show for today! Join us next time to find a match for the lovely Ritsu!"

(Everyone), "WHAT!"

(Ritsu screams),"OH NO! I'M SO SORRY! I WON'T DO IT! I'M TERRIBLY SORRY! I DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE A BOY FRIEND! I'M NOT AS GOOD AS TOHRU! I'M NOT EVEN A GIRL! I'M SO SORRY!"

* * *

**The End**

A/N: there will NOT be a Ritsu version of this. If I spelled anything wrong or made any mistakes….AHHHHH! I'm a perfectionist so whenever those squiggly lines show up at the bottom I get sooooo mad! Well thanx for reading! Pleez review! Buhbi.

A/N: aaack! That took sooooo freakin' long to fix!

**AND AKITO IS A WOMAN! I learned that about a month ago..but I forgot to change the story…**


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